How to Deal with Trauma, Loss and Grief

Loss is part of life. When someone or something we care about is taken away, it’s normal to grieve.

Grief isn’t just for the death of a loved one, though. There are many different kinds of losses all throughout life – and many different ways to grieve them.

Physical loss may be most familiar – examples are miscarriage or stillbirth, death, or losing one’s home. But we can also grieve abstract loss: it may be just as painful to lose a relationship or job, or experience the unfulfilled desire to have a baby. Though the Covid-19 pandemic has resulted in immense physical loss globally, there’s also an abstract loss as people under lockdown lose job security, routines or plans for the future.

If you or someone you care about is experiencing a painful loss, you may not really know what to do – or how to recognize if grieving is even happening. The most important thing to remember is that grief is an individual experience. There is no right or wrong way to do it!

Grief is a process. It takes time to unfold, and won’t be the same from day to day. Many people are now familiar with psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s “stages of grief.” To cope with grief ourselves or support others, we need to be willing to listen and let emotions be what they are, through every stage.

Initially, there may be shock and denial. Here, space, understanding and clear communication are needed. It’ll take time for intense feelings to pass and give way to realisation as the facts sink in. Once this happens, emotional support is needed. People need sympathy, and to be heard as they tell their stories and make meaning of what has happened. As strong emotions surface, we need to accept and support them, without rushing or judging.

With time, volatile feelings stabilise and people are able to start considering their options. This time can be both optimistic and full of sadness – guidance, encouragement and direction will help in this stage. Support from friends is invaluable, but for extremely deep, "stuck" feelings of sadness that never seem to go away, the help of a trained therapist may be more appropriate. The final stage is integration, where we embrace new possibilities and next steps. Here, ritual can help us symbolically put our grief in place and move on with life.

There are no fixed timelines for this process, and no unacceptable emotions. Ignoring or arguing with pain will not make it disappear. Instead, grief needs only two things from us: time and compassion.