When Your Partner Won't Come to Counselling

What will you do if your partner won't come to counselling? There are two proactive options.

First, come yourself! But, ‘I’m not the problem’ you may say! I hear you! But consider 5 things.

• One, often the difficulties in a relationship stem from internal struggles, what I call ‘the space within’ and how that translates into the couple dynamic, ‘the space between’. We usually bring huge amounts of baggage to our relationships, built up from our individual stories and how our relationship has evolved. If we learn tools to manage and recognize these we can choose whether we stay stuck in our destructive patterns.
• Two, there is a domino effect. As your behaviour changes, your partner’s will too. More often than not, your partner will see the benefits and come too.
• Three, as you learn to manage and regulate big emotions you create an environment which enables your partner do the same. This will also help children impacted by relationship change.
• Four, the only variable we can ever really manage is ourselves. Good therapeutic tools help you be the best version of yourself, whatever life throws at you.
• Five, I use the word ‘tools’ a lot because that’s what you can be equipped with, and you can use them in many aspects of life – not just your relationship!

Second, consider the online Gottman Relationship Check up. This is an online survey developed by the Gottman Institute. (Gottman Couples therapy is one of the two evidence based couple interventions). Both partners complete the survey individually. The results are sent to the therapist. I call it the ‘fast track to effective tools’. In my experience, men tend to prefer this as it is evidence-based, rigorous and saves hours of session time!

I can’t guarantee every relationship will be saved, but I can promise insights, actionable points, tools to experiment with and, weirdly enough, in every session the return of some lightness, fun and discovery.

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